First Line

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I put much weight on the first line in books. They can tell me a lot about a book, about the author and whether or not I’m going to be able to enjoy it. Some of my favorite are:

“When Mary Lennox was sent to Misselthwaite Manor to live with her uncle everybody said she was the most disagreeable-looking child ever seen.” The Secret Garden by Frances Hodges Burnett

“In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.” The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

“My bodyguard was mowing the yard wearing her pink bikini when the man fell from the sky.” Dead Over Heels by Charlaine Harris LOL 😉

“A Grief Observed” also has a great first line that resonates with me…

“No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.“

As I watched Joshua be worked on by the E.R. team I stared to draw into myself. I started to breath shallowly and pray (oh God, oh God, oh God). A part of me that was outside – observing everything including myself – thought how much this felt like fear. And, the feeling continued for days…maybe months. I withdrew into myself much as I do when I’m scared. I didn’t want to allow anyone else to see my fear or do anything to me that might cause more fear. I gathered my children close and didn’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. I had trouble leaving my children with anyone. Still to this day I have the irrational thought that if they are with us nothing can happen to them…and my own life tells me this is a lie. But I keep them close to me and beg God to let me keep them safe.

Last week when I saw the accident – I started to feel the fear and panic again. I realized that it’s still there – buried under errands, homework, parenting, work and the ever present laundry. Have I really not moved so far along my grief journey? Is it just buried under life? Will it expose itself one of these days in a way I can not control it?

Everyone comments on my cold lately. Why can’t I just tell them that I cry almost all day long? Don’t I have the right to cry? Can’t I admit to myself that I am sad and that it is acceptable? Am I afraid they will push pills on me again to ease their discomfort? Or am I just unwilling to share my pain with anyone.

A Grief Observed

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I’ve decided that rather than let this sadness rule my days and my nights – I’m going to jump into it feet first and DEAL with it.  Not try to ignore it and have it ambush me constantly all day long.  I will allow myself to feel it – and pray that I can move through it rather quickly and return to – well, not contentment – I’m still content and accept my life.  But maybe peace.  A return to peace.
I read C.S. Lewis’ “A Grief Observed” after Joshua died and was very blessed.  I’ve never really understood why though.  What in the world could I have in common with a man grieving his wife?  Our grief seems very different.  Maybe it’s the fact that he was only newly married – had he pined for marriage as I pined for certain aspects to motherhood?

Joshua allowed me to experience the aspects of motherhood that were still denied to me.  The ability to be in a group of women and discuss the subject that ALWAYS comes up – pregnancy, labor and birth stories and breastfeeding.

It seems the moment we attained those things we had longed for – CS Lewis, marriage and my child – it was gone.  Could that be why it touched me so much?

So, I’m going to read it again.  And, maybe some other books that blessed me during that time.  I’m still knitting but as this blog was created mainly as an outlet for me on my journey through grief – I’m going to focus more on the journey right now.

Numbered Days

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Today, for work, I was coding articles from the WInter 06/7 issue.  The Chapel article is entitled “Numbered Days” – written by Marla Novak.  This article is really blessing me today.  I can sooooo relate as a mother who’s lost a child and gained a renewed eternal perspective!

If you are awaiting your copy – read this article first! If you don’t subscribe – and you homeschool – you need to!! lol  But if you can’t for some reason – wait a few months and I’ll be putting this article online.

How grief affects all of us

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Today, J2 and I are relaxing in the living room after school and chores. I’m knitting and listening to a knitting podcast and he is watching some cartoon on the tv. He turns to me and says, “Mom, if Josh was still alive and we could get that stone, it could all be better.” I guess some cartoon had a magical stone that could bring alive the dead. I replied something along the lines of – that would be nice, but it’s not real.

He reflects on that for a minute and then says, “Mom, how do they get him in that box?” There is no way to answer that one. How do you explain something like that? Or the real question – what does he really want to know? Does he really want to know what happened to Joshua’s body or something else less technical but more emotional? Since I don’t know and I’m struggling not to cry, I tell him that we’ll talk about it when he’s a little older. He, agreeable as always, accepts that answer. I start crying anyway.

I wish I knew how to handle times like this better. I try to be honest…but I still have trouble getting the words out of my mouth when it’s a question like this. I need to remember that the boys are grieving just like us – it just looks different. Though they were only 8, 6 and 2….they still had a big loss. Not just their brother…but their mom too to some extent.

Thanks all

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I appreciate your prayers and kind words. You all are a very big part of my journey and I am so thankful that the Lord has brought you into it for me.

In other news 🙂 I finished the Branching Out scarf for my secret sister and since I had so much yarn left over thought I’d see if I could do a hat. I’m doing Grumperina’s Odessa hat – lovely! No beads for me however! Pics soon – I promise!
The begining of this week will be very busy – tonight we are meeting with the Scoutmaster to see how we can help out (DH will be doing some character training each month and I’m offering to help with a webpage). Tomorrow it’s a den meeting and Knit Night! Not sure how much knitting I’ll get done!